Salve for My Shattered Heart

Today was a bad day.

Bad headache, forcing myself through to get to work, late, but present, despite feeling how I did.

Meeting with our HR guy to discuss my intermittent FMLA.

Turns out, I cannot speak out loud even to people I wouldn't normally EVER cry around about how I am literally losing myself piece by piece... without crying.

Or getting Pissed off.

Most of the time, it just pisses me off, but make me cry and I get more pissed off.
Make me cry in front of someone- and I'm livid.

Tears are reserved for alone time, or extremely sentimental moments.
Tears are to be controlled around others. Not to flow freely; ever unless I choose them to.
I was rendered speechless a few times, the tears choking me out.
BASTARDS!

I could really have disappeared today after that meeting.

He was wonderful and kind; caring, of course... me though... absolute mess.

I dipped into the ladies room to get myself together before someone saw me and asked what was wrong. I thought I was alright, put my hootie owl glasses on to hide the red rim, shiny eyes... but as I returned to my office, burst into tears again in front of another co-worker. A dear friend, actually- but no less humiliating. I freaking HATE to cry in front of people.

Suck it up, Motz....

More feeling discouraged agitated and hurting when talking to my partner, who with her fiercely loving heart, didn't seem to understand what I was trying to say- pissing myself off more because I couldn't convey myself as needed.
\
Upset at myself even more, because its impossible to hide the red rim around my nose and lips and eyes, even with the shades on.

I'm usually a master at Masking my emotions. Today, total fail.

The tears only went away completely for a while today while I was picking up a friends son. Tiernan. Such a vibrant young 3 year old with an amazing sense of intelligence, and humor! We giggled and plotted and giggled some more. I needed that blessing!

His giggles were salve to my shattered heart, even if only for a while. Thank you young sir! Much love to you and your silliest self! <3

Tears again- I'm over this day!

But them hootie-owl specs tho!