Promise of a New Day

Hangin around, nothin to do but frown...
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down...

Am I dating myself to sing the Carpenter's?

Yesterday was Monday and it was grey and rainy.

Overall it was an alright day.

My headache ebbed and flowed and sometimes it sucked- but I got through the day alright.
My mood is greatly improved with my increase of Celexa.

This I can be grateful for!

Today, has been a busy day.

My Director, Jacque came to me today, who is ever loving and observative and has told me in the past two days it is clear I have come up somewhat out of my funk- and she sees ME.

I feel a bit more like me all over again. Little bit by little bit, I will find my way around this!
I will not give up. I will not let it define me or hinder me.

My best was way UP HERE and now, I can only reach half way to where I was... on my very best days... and I know Ill have good days and bad days- but I will charish those good days!

Give my dad his first stroke and took from him his triumph that I am his child and I can find a way around it.

This is the new me. This is my new path in life and like it or lump it.. I need to make the best of it!

 Each day is a gift and a promise and the only promise is that if it gets here, it is yours to make the most of!

Just a Sunday not a Funday

Woke to light piercing through my eyelids. I employed the use of the blanket over my face to help shield it for a bit while I acclimated to being awake.
Headache an 8.
It took a little while to move and motivate.
My body is still sore, like its been for a few weeks, but I did a few of the PT exercises I learned last year when my back was out... and I went to a chiropractor. ... helped.

It's rough... but I'm gonna be okay.
I will be. I will be. I will be. I WILL BE OKAY!

Currently the headache is a 6, so it's not as bad as it started. (winning)
I took my meds and am feeling high somehow. That happens now that the antidepressant is doubled- but its alright. it only happens for a little while then lets up.

I wish I could have a Dr. Pepper right now. It sounds so good.

I wish today was a day to stay in my jammies all day and not have to leave the house for anything, and get to watch movies and nap, or read- but its not happening. I was called on to do a favor for the family. Give me my shades to block out the light and not have to think about much... and yes, Absolutely. I'll enjoy that too! :-) It involves a little bit of a drive with four of my favorite sweet hearted, goofball kiddos! <3

Turtle Shell; Room for One!

I skipped posting yesterday. It was a busy day. In to work, phone calls and e-mails. A trip to Waldo for a Unit Lunch... G & R rocks. Mmmm.... Butterscotch pie!

A trip followed to go to Wal-Mart for car seats with our maintenance man, Demp. I love that man. My body was aching and sore throughout, but got worse as the ay progressed. I was so stiff! But mustered through it...

I then proceeded to finish up my day- by the time I left at 530, I was so exhausted. I was in bed by 6:15pm and until about noon today, totally worthless ever after as well- accomplishing only a shower and cleanup of the puppys shredded mess. Six pairs of shoes wasted, a coupe o them expensive shoes I had only worn once or twice- safe under my bed? Not so much....  and my only functional phone charger- serves me right in leaving her uncrated whilst sleeping for almost 16 hours, eh? (note: I did get up to take dogs out and play a little, in the middle of the night, and agan early morning...  but was soon asleep again).

I've done very little today around the house, when I had planned on going in to work. I feel like it's about time for another nap. I am definitely in my own shell today... :( so sick and tired of always being sick and tired....

Not sure what makes me feel this way-
Headache 8.
Body aches 10.
Vision Blurry
Body- trembling.

Do I have a summer Flu?

Play Pretend

"Help, Rescue Girl, Help! I am stuck on this mountain and I cannot get down!"

"I will save you, and your little brother too!"

Today, I got a call as I was heading in to work, to pick up some food for kiddos that were removed early this morning. I did. Then proceeded to hold, feed, bond with and play in the visitation rooms for two hours with two very dirty, very sweet young ones. The little girl, age 6, was vibrant an beautiful and full of spirit and grace. The little boy, sweet and cuddly and very taken by me. Evidently I was only one of two people he was okay with who were present in his morning. He smiled and beamed at me. I melted!

The headache was about a 6, but was pale in comparison to the back pain. I had a fall in the spring that led to major ache and pain in the tailbone area. I've been sleeping in the recliner in  hopes of relieving/reducing the head pressure... but its either my  head or my ass, I guess!

The rain was not helping.

Overall today was an alright day. I took my afternoon break in my cousin Ronda's office in lieu of my own... for a change of scenery. I never do that!

Sometimes a different view is all we need to uplift us!

Angels Unawares

Today, not such a bad day!
The headache was less severe (4-6 range)
The mood was much improved over yesterday *Thank God!!!

The workload hasn't been horrible, but has been steady, and I've managed to be at least somewhat productive. I have been able to guage as the headache would rise with certain activity, and detour my thoughts and attention to other items. I'd go on to something else and the headache would recede a bit. Thankful for those days when it's a slow climb, and Im able to prevent the severity.

I've had very little downtime where I could not function and had to stop altogether- which is good.

Today- definitely a huge step up from the past two days.

I want to also give a wonderful person a shoutout. I have positive, uplifting people all around me and it always touches my heart. I realized yesterday that God sends me special angels everyday and I need to give thanks for that each time it reaches in and moves me to do so... Today, the lovely Miss Janet, who is a coworker- came to see me on a business matter, but her care and concern was simply delightful. Just being near her and her kind heart, and empathetic ear lifted my spirits. I can attribute a huge part of todays success in the mood department to the simplicity of that friendship and concern, and to this, I am grateful for the Angels on earth whose very presence is uplifting! Thank you Miss Janet, and thank you, God!

Oh, and also, Thank GOD for Ta Die For Cupcakes, Ta Have and Ta Hold Cupcakes (maybe if im right in that he sends us what uplifts our spirits, he will send me one of these!? )

Salve for My Shattered Heart

Today was a bad day.

Bad headache, forcing myself through to get to work, late, but present, despite feeling how I did.

Meeting with our HR guy to discuss my intermittent FMLA.

Turns out, I cannot speak out loud even to people I wouldn't normally EVER cry around about how I am literally losing myself piece by piece... without crying.

Or getting Pissed off.

Most of the time, it just pisses me off, but make me cry and I get more pissed off.
Make me cry in front of someone- and I'm livid.

Tears are reserved for alone time, or extremely sentimental moments.
Tears are to be controlled around others. Not to flow freely; ever unless I choose them to.
I was rendered speechless a few times, the tears choking me out.
BASTARDS!

I could really have disappeared today after that meeting.

He was wonderful and kind; caring, of course... me though... absolute mess.

I dipped into the ladies room to get myself together before someone saw me and asked what was wrong. I thought I was alright, put my hootie owl glasses on to hide the red rim, shiny eyes... but as I returned to my office, burst into tears again in front of another co-worker. A dear friend, actually- but no less humiliating. I freaking HATE to cry in front of people.

Suck it up, Motz....

More feeling discouraged agitated and hurting when talking to my partner, who with her fiercely loving heart, didn't seem to understand what I was trying to say- pissing myself off more because I couldn't convey myself as needed.
\
Upset at myself even more, because its impossible to hide the red rim around my nose and lips and eyes, even with the shades on.

I'm usually a master at Masking my emotions. Today, total fail.

The tears only went away completely for a while today while I was picking up a friends son. Tiernan. Such a vibrant young 3 year old with an amazing sense of intelligence, and humor! We giggled and plotted and giggled some more. I needed that blessing!

His giggles were salve to my shattered heart, even if only for a while. Thank you young sir! Much love to you and your silliest self! <3

Tears again- I'm over this day!

But them hootie-owl specs tho!

Pseudo Tumor Cerebri Information

Pseudo Tumor Cerebri
"False Brain Tumor"

Also known as Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension.

Idiopathic, because they do not know a cause.
It generally  happens to overweight women of child bearing age, heredity plays a part in many cases, but not all. (so far we know of no others in my family with this condition) It can, however strike anyone, and no cause is known. There is also no cure. There are treatments which work for some, not for all.

What is it?

Lack of absorption of cerebral spinal fluid- which then builds up around the brain and creates massive pressure, simulating a crushing effect on the brain.

Can lead to blindness.

Mimics a Large Brain Tumor. (see symptoms below; I have asterisked the symptom I am struggling with)

Tests:

MRI, CT Scan, other imaging of the brain, Lumbar Puncture (spinal tap) - that's the only confirmation of the disease, and the only way to measure pressure. (This procedure feels like your spine is being shoved through your abdominal wall, and can lead to flulike symptoms and inability to walk properly for a couple of days after.)

Treatment:

Daily: (top)
Diamox- a special water pill designed to work with fluid in the head.
Topomax- a nerve suppressant, which works toward daily migraine suppressant.
Antidepressants- because most people with a chronic disease end up being depressed.
depends on the person, but some will take a daily allergy pill for its analgesic properties regarding the faculties which deal with migraines.

AND...daily medicines like Aleve or Advil- all work together like a cocktail to help minimize daily migraines.

Potentially Routine/repeated procedures:

Spinal Taps (lumbar punctures) to pull off extra pressure. (this is the only way to test the level of pressure)
Brain Shunts- to create a constant drainage from the excess fluid.

Symptoms/Complications: (I will asterisk the symptoms  I am dealing with)

Common:
*Increased Intracranial pressure
*Migraines/headaches
*-Vision loss/blurred vision/double vision/tunnel vision (no loss, but the other things are true at times)
*Depression
*Nausea/vomiting
*Sleep issues

Progressive:
Atrophy of the optic nerve
3rd cranial nerve disorder
6th cranial nerve disorder
Anisocoria
Papilloedema
Galactorrhoea-Hyperprolactinaemia
*Hearing problems/ringing in the ears
systemic hypertension
Sinus Bradycardia

More acute cases:
*Mood /Personality or behavioral changes (occasional)
*Mental confusion (severe)
*Memory, concentration and cognitive function loss (rapid and increasing)
*Hormonal disorders
*Speech disorder (mild/occasional so far)
Seizures
Balance disorder
Chronic Brain Failure (similar to dementia- having signs of..)
Respiratory failure type 2
Cheyne-Stokes respirations



There are more, but this is as far as I can bare to go right now.. it's been an all day post, as it is...

This is more on the disease, less on me! Just so you all see clearly what the disease is.

Thanks for reading, my friends!



Food for thought of the day: Nature in all of its glory... may give us an ugly place to exist in... but will somehow gift us with beauty!

Namaste!