Light up the Darkness

It's been a week since my last post.. lots going on in life. Mostly fatigue.
I have been pretty tired lately. Sleeping a lot. Spending time with family and friends in the meantime- as I have been able. My mood is improving overall, and I am doing well with some of the ailments. The headache is still ever present- but lets up from time to time, so that it doesn't seem to be a focus to nag at me from the depths of hell. Sometimes its all I can do to force myself to move forward.
I had a good, but rough weekend. The good was time with family and friends. The rough was working through the pain- head and body. I worked two 12 hours shifts. Such is life.

Such is life!

I watched I am legend the other day, for the dozenth time. Is that a word? Dozenth?
The line in the movie toward the end, and again at the end came to me - and sticks with me even now.
Light up the Darkness... made me think of this photo from a few years ago.

also of how we all live in the light, or the darkness- and hide in the shadows.
I most often want to hide in the shadows.
I've lived much of my life this way.

Today, Im ok with a little light from time to time.. but still like the dark.

Ma Fia

Headache today was a midgrade- nothing horrible.
Productivity had its peaks and valleys.
Overall a good day! I feel a little clearer today in way.
It's made me think of a few things... good things...

In the 12th grade, I did my term paper on the Mafia.
I discovered that one possible and likly origin of the word Mafia.. was in the 1400's when a Palermo maiden was being raped by a group of French soldiers, and her mother cried out Ma Fia Ma Fia... and her family came to rescue and lynched the french soldiers who violated her.

It was said then that it seemed that mafia was a group- opposed to the literal translation of the term Ma Fia.

Possible.

I have a great family.

I don't always praise them or see them or spend time with them... but I do. I have a wonderful family.
At home, and at work!

The people who choose to love us and be a part of our circle of support and trust.

That's family.
Blood and love- bound by spirit!

Ma Fia- without whom I could not endure.
I was silent in my illness for a very long time, afraid it was something in my mind- not knowing it was something beyond my control in my head.
Since I have come about about the illness, and shared the details of my struggle, I realize how fortunate I am to have such amazing, loving and strong family and friends in my corner!

Thank God for them! !!

Promise of a New Day

Hangin around, nothin to do but frown...
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down...

Am I dating myself to sing the Carpenter's?

Yesterday was Monday and it was grey and rainy.

Overall it was an alright day.

My headache ebbed and flowed and sometimes it sucked- but I got through the day alright.
My mood is greatly improved with my increase of Celexa.

This I can be grateful for!

Today, has been a busy day.

My Director, Jacque came to me today, who is ever loving and observative and has told me in the past two days it is clear I have come up somewhat out of my funk- and she sees ME.

I feel a bit more like me all over again. Little bit by little bit, I will find my way around this!
I will not give up. I will not let it define me or hinder me.

My best was way UP HERE and now, I can only reach half way to where I was... on my very best days... and I know Ill have good days and bad days- but I will charish those good days!

Give my dad his first stroke and took from him his triumph that I am his child and I can find a way around it.

This is the new me. This is my new path in life and like it or lump it.. I need to make the best of it!

 Each day is a gift and a promise and the only promise is that if it gets here, it is yours to make the most of!

Just a Sunday not a Funday

Woke to light piercing through my eyelids. I employed the use of the blanket over my face to help shield it for a bit while I acclimated to being awake.
Headache an 8.
It took a little while to move and motivate.
My body is still sore, like its been for a few weeks, but I did a few of the PT exercises I learned last year when my back was out... and I went to a chiropractor. ... helped.

It's rough... but I'm gonna be okay.
I will be. I will be. I will be. I WILL BE OKAY!

Currently the headache is a 6, so it's not as bad as it started. (winning)
I took my meds and am feeling high somehow. That happens now that the antidepressant is doubled- but its alright. it only happens for a little while then lets up.

I wish I could have a Dr. Pepper right now. It sounds so good.

I wish today was a day to stay in my jammies all day and not have to leave the house for anything, and get to watch movies and nap, or read- but its not happening. I was called on to do a favor for the family. Give me my shades to block out the light and not have to think about much... and yes, Absolutely. I'll enjoy that too! :-) It involves a little bit of a drive with four of my favorite sweet hearted, goofball kiddos! <3

Turtle Shell; Room for One!

I skipped posting yesterday. It was a busy day. In to work, phone calls and e-mails. A trip to Waldo for a Unit Lunch... G & R rocks. Mmmm.... Butterscotch pie!

A trip followed to go to Wal-Mart for car seats with our maintenance man, Demp. I love that man. My body was aching and sore throughout, but got worse as the ay progressed. I was so stiff! But mustered through it...

I then proceeded to finish up my day- by the time I left at 530, I was so exhausted. I was in bed by 6:15pm and until about noon today, totally worthless ever after as well- accomplishing only a shower and cleanup of the puppys shredded mess. Six pairs of shoes wasted, a coupe o them expensive shoes I had only worn once or twice- safe under my bed? Not so much....  and my only functional phone charger- serves me right in leaving her uncrated whilst sleeping for almost 16 hours, eh? (note: I did get up to take dogs out and play a little, in the middle of the night, and agan early morning...  but was soon asleep again).

I've done very little today around the house, when I had planned on going in to work. I feel like it's about time for another nap. I am definitely in my own shell today... :( so sick and tired of always being sick and tired....

Not sure what makes me feel this way-
Headache 8.
Body aches 10.
Vision Blurry
Body- trembling.

Do I have a summer Flu?

Play Pretend

"Help, Rescue Girl, Help! I am stuck on this mountain and I cannot get down!"

"I will save you, and your little brother too!"

Today, I got a call as I was heading in to work, to pick up some food for kiddos that were removed early this morning. I did. Then proceeded to hold, feed, bond with and play in the visitation rooms for two hours with two very dirty, very sweet young ones. The little girl, age 6, was vibrant an beautiful and full of spirit and grace. The little boy, sweet and cuddly and very taken by me. Evidently I was only one of two people he was okay with who were present in his morning. He smiled and beamed at me. I melted!

The headache was about a 6, but was pale in comparison to the back pain. I had a fall in the spring that led to major ache and pain in the tailbone area. I've been sleeping in the recliner in  hopes of relieving/reducing the head pressure... but its either my  head or my ass, I guess!

The rain was not helping.

Overall today was an alright day. I took my afternoon break in my cousin Ronda's office in lieu of my own... for a change of scenery. I never do that!

Sometimes a different view is all we need to uplift us!

Angels Unawares

Today, not such a bad day!
The headache was less severe (4-6 range)
The mood was much improved over yesterday *Thank God!!!

The workload hasn't been horrible, but has been steady, and I've managed to be at least somewhat productive. I have been able to guage as the headache would rise with certain activity, and detour my thoughts and attention to other items. I'd go on to something else and the headache would recede a bit. Thankful for those days when it's a slow climb, and Im able to prevent the severity.

I've had very little downtime where I could not function and had to stop altogether- which is good.

Today- definitely a huge step up from the past two days.

I want to also give a wonderful person a shoutout. I have positive, uplifting people all around me and it always touches my heart. I realized yesterday that God sends me special angels everyday and I need to give thanks for that each time it reaches in and moves me to do so... Today, the lovely Miss Janet, who is a coworker- came to see me on a business matter, but her care and concern was simply delightful. Just being near her and her kind heart, and empathetic ear lifted my spirits. I can attribute a huge part of todays success in the mood department to the simplicity of that friendship and concern, and to this, I am grateful for the Angels on earth whose very presence is uplifting! Thank you Miss Janet, and thank you, God!

Oh, and also, Thank GOD for Ta Die For Cupcakes, Ta Have and Ta Hold Cupcakes (maybe if im right in that he sends us what uplifts our spirits, he will send me one of these!? )